My Substack post tracking how I revise my novel, UNSTOPPABLE
… Happily revising away in my quiet home, rearranging this sentence, deleting this word, moving along …
And I come upon three comments by my editor, Helen Thornton-Guzzy:
- Commented [HT39]: She thinks he’s horrible, why would she go out on a date with him? Need to have some more inner dialogue showing why she says yes.
- Commented [HT40]: Why would he think she was easy? She’s only been shown as a geek. Why is she excited? This doesn’t track with her opinion of him. Yes, she’s admitted he’s hot, but she states earlier on that this is the only thing going for him.
- Commented [HT43]: As noted above—this doesn’t track with her initial feelings about him.
Crap. Most of the suggestions have been easily remediated. But this one won’t be.
Here’s the situation.
- Protagonist Kelsey Webb has never been asked out on a date. She’s worked very hard in school, been active on the school newspaper and joined the swim team. She has chores at home on her farm. She’s more the nerdy overachiever type than the socialite. With her carrot-top hair and in her daily overalls, she’s neither attractive nor unattractive. She’s invisible. But she’s decided she will change that this last year of high school.
- Zeke Rivers comes off as a total jerk in the first 70 pages. There is nothing to like about him. He’s arrogant, inconsiderate, self-centered. When Zeke makes a few crude jokes concerning the demise of their Journalism Club adviser, Kelsey says, “What the eff, Rivers? You pompous brainless dirtbag. Mr. Dugal cut you serious slack all the time and this is how you remember him? You worthless, self-centered, inconsiderate, callous, nasty, cruel, insensitive—”
So, Helen has a point. Why would Kelsey agree to dinner with Zeke? Why would anyone?
These are the edits I fear most. Three comments that, together, require me to rethink multiple characters and change much of what’s come before (75 pages).
On the other hand, such edits thrill me. Helen identified a key scene in the novel that isn’t plausible. A fifteen-year-old reading this will pop out of the story, saying, “this wouldn’t happen,” close the book, and they’ll move on to Netflix, Fortnite, or basketball in the driveway, never to open the book again. These gaffs, invisible to me for multiple reasons, are why I needed Helen’s input. She’s helping me keep the door open for the possibility of UNSTOPPABLE selling big.
I stewed about this scene, talked with my wife about it (she had some good insights), and brainstormed. I decided to employ two fixes, both containing positives that extend beyond making the date plausible.
- Kelsey is best friends with Shania Bean. Shania doesn’t like Zeke. So, Kelsey will defend her decision to date Zeke before her. This will get Kelsey’s rationale out on the page.
- Zeke in the first 70 pages is a monster. That needs to change. I need to lighten up on how obnoxious Zeke is and make him somewhat likeable—employ Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat! philosophy. Show the reader a likeable side to Zeke so that Kelsey’s decision is comprehensible if ill-advised.
*
Here’s Kelsey’s exchange with Shania, all written yesterday.
“You can’t go out with him,” she says. “I know you want to go on a date bad, but Zeke is not the one.”
“You can say that to me because you haven’t even turned eighteen yet and you’re on boyfriend number three. What am I supposed to do? Continue to wait?”
“Maybe he’ll be the one to break me out of my shell.”
“Kelster. You talking about sex?”
“Shania!” I say and shove her shoulder. “Everybody knows me as a goody-goody and a workaholic-in-training. Miss Suzy Suck-Up. Well? What if I don’t want to be that anymore? What if I want to get out and do something?”
“But Zeke’s an asshole, Kelse.”
“Zeke is the best quarterback in Northeastern PA.
“Online they say he pulls petty crimes. He shoplifts, just to see if he can get away with it, smokes pot, and drinks—”
“What Hannah High Hawk doesn’t do that?”
“You don’t. That’s who. Listen Kelse. Someone said that last spring he broke into the Dickson City Best Buy and stole a dozen or two game consoles. Then he sold them on Craigslist for almost nothing. Just for kicks.”
“I don’t believe that. He’s not gonna risk his future for some stunt. He’s heading up like half a dozen activities at school—
“Yeah. And he’s ripping all of them off big-time—”
“He’s not. That’s just jealous talk. And, you know what a total pain in the ass heading up all those clubs must be? And why does he do it? Because he wants to make something of himself. Unlike ninety-nine percent of Rivers Bend boys.”
“I heard he wants to enlist in the spring,” she says. “You date him the next six months, and whataya got? We’ll all graduate, and he’ll say, ‘bye-bye, Kelsey B. Webb.’”
“He’s rich as shit,” I say. “He’s got the hottest car in the borough, he can bench press three-fifty, and he has the best eyes in the school. Shania, we know him since kindergarten. He hasn’t always been a shithead. His hormones are pumping, and success on and off the football field has made him cocky. Deep down, there is good. And, on top of everything, he’s Dr. Rivers’ son. How bad can he be?”
She jerks back in her chair. A puff of air blows out her mouth. “You’re like really considering going out with him. Aren’t you?”
“Shania,” I say, putting my hand on her thigh. “Who else is asking?”
Yes, that is an allusion to the Officer Krupke song in West Side Story. That song says so much about our Capitalist society and how America grinds out its citizens.
The 75 pages.
| Page 17 | Zeke whistles into podium microphone to convene journalism club meeting | Leave for now |
| Kelsey really busts on him | ||
| History of the Rivers / Moss feud (M is Emmitt Moss) | ||
| 18 | Zeke’s morbid jokes about the deceased Mr. Dugal | Leave for now |
| 19 | Kelsey berates him in front of everyone (Shania says nothing) | |
| 29 | Zeke tells Kelsey he’s benched because of her | |
| 32 | Zeke pushes Kelsey to talk about missing money | |
| Zeke slightly insensitive about Dugal | ||
| 38 | At Mr. Dugal’s funeral, Zeke tells Kelsey to forget about money, and that life is short. Slightly affectionate towards her. | |
| 73 | Zeke waits at Kelsey’s locker. Asks her out for dinner and a movie Saturday. Kelsey needs to talk about it with Mom and Dad, she says | |
| 75 | Kelsey drives to Shania’s house and they talk about the pros and cons (see above) |
Looking at this table, the reader thinks that Zeke is no good because Kelsey tells us so. In reality, Zeke only engages in irritating acts a few times, none of them catastrophic. He does nothing that would make the reader like him.
Changes
- For this first game, Zeke is NEPA Scholar/Athlete Player of the Week.
- Zeke organizes and works at a Rivers Bend food pantry in coordination with Zook’s Finer Foods.
- At Dugal’s funeral, Zeke will have tears in his eyes.
- Page 17: Change Kelsey’s barrage of negatives to she can’t understand him. He’s a whole lot of good and bad.
- Don’t change Shania’s negative feelings about him. End the Kelsey-Shania talk with “I wouldn’t marry him if he was the last man in Northeast PA (of course, she does end up engaged to him).
- Zeke on page 29 get in Kelsey’s face about being benched. But add that he wants to talk with her about something.
- At the end of being asked out by Zeke, Kelsey asks “Why me?” He says, “You’re the only girl in school who has more brains than me. And I find that — attractive.”
*
Here’s what Kelsey said on page 17, draft 6:
“What the eff, Rivers? You pompous brainless dirtbag. Mr. Dugal cut you serious slack all the time and this is how you remember him? You worthless, self-centered, inconsiderate, callous, nasty, cruel, insensitive—”
Now Kelsey says:
“What the eff, Rivers? After all the times Dugal cut you serious slack all the time–this is how you remember him?”
“Hey,” he replied. “You gotta laugh, right, Webb? Through the tears?”
His upper lip trembled.
A memory from Health class flashed in my brain. Everybody grieves differently, the teacher had said.
I do not understand boys.
“You worthless, self-centered, inconsiderate, callous, nasty, cruel, insensitive jerk,” Shania said. “How dare you joke like that about the best teacher this school ever had.”