My Substack post about my YA Thriller, UNSTOPPABLE, October 17th, 2025
Back when I was teaching high school, which was three decades of new initiatives followed by the same initiatives rebranded, which were followed by more of the same, the teaching strategy Before, During, and After was said to cure all ills. It didn’t. However, I will invoke it now to give you a sense of how the morning is going in Carlisle.
Before
I received Helen Thornton-Guzzy’s email last night. She’s done with her developmental editing task! Three weeks ahead of schedule.
What could this mean? Did she hate it and couldn’t wait to rid her computer of it? No. She wrote, “I enjoyed the story, and hopefully this report will help you to tighten it up and strengthen it.” That seems positive. Dozens of other scenarios play out in my mind. There’s little to fix, so send it out to an agent today. That’s probably not it either: she sent me 15 pages of notes, double-spaced. It can’t be fixed? Serious revision is needed on certain scenes, but the rest is fine?
First I will pay her. Back in August I battled Wise, the intercontinental money transfer website, sending Helen my 50% deposit. But I learned a lot in the process.
I have the whole day open so I’m ready to fight.
During
Instead of the wire transfer taking hours, today’s process was simply a matter of minutes. This is good, since I intend to use Helen in the winter 2026 for line- and copy-editing.
Now, to my brown comfy chair in the living room. I will read my editor’s comments.
After
Whew! My major concern, that the novel was unsalvageable, did not prove to be true. I have the go-ahead to continue work on it.
What did those 15 pages, then, say?
- Biggest concern: characterization. Specifically, protagonist Kelsey Webb, antagonist Dr. Rivers, and nasty minion Zeke Rivers. I need to focus on character transitions (every character has an arc, as I tell the creative writing classes). More foreshadowing, more moments showing transitions to heighten tension, more “stronger emotional logic.” Also, the arc of Kelsey’s best friend, Shania Bean, doesn’t work. Shania goes from loving Kelsey to hating Kelsey, and goes from hating Zeke to marrying him. It’s okay that she does that, but the changes are too abrupt and without reason. Make sure character transitions from one stage to the next are present.
- Voice, tone, audience:
- Helen agrees that Kelsey’s fragmented statements won’t work in YA. Some of the beta readers said the same. So, fragmented descriptions by Kelsey? They need to go. Draft 5 had a ton of them. That was just how she talked. In draft six, I really cut back on them. However, there are more that need to be made into complete sentences, and that need to convey Kelsey’s feelings rather than just physical descriptions. Helen gives this example:
- Bob’s version: “My ringtone. Martina McBride singing, ‘This One’s for the Girls … My phone. Hands check pockets. Nope. I wipe my eyes to see. It’s there, on the carpet in front of me.”
- Helen’s suggestion: “My ringtone, ‘This One’s for the Girls …’ cuts through the quiet. I pat my pockets. Nothing. I wipe my eyes and see the phone on the carpet in front of me.”
- Helen agrees that Kelsey’s fragmented statements won’t work in YA. Some of the beta readers said the same. So, fragmented descriptions by Kelsey? They need to go. Draft 5 had a ton of them. That was just how she talked. In draft six, I really cut back on them. However, there are more that need to be made into complete sentences, and that need to convey Kelsey’s feelings rather than just physical descriptions. Helen gives this example:
- General small problems:
- Pacing: cut whatever doesn’t add to the tension
- The three-page investment table? No.
- More of Kelsey’s inner debate
- Kelsey doesn’t sound like a 5th grader anymore, but she’s still too immature
- Teen dialogue: make contemporary
- Mrs. Cunningham’s announcement that she’s stolen one million dollars and is moving to Dubai: needs to be reworked
- Psychological realism
- Raising stakes
That’s not everything but it’s most of it. I am thrilled that all of the fixes are doable, even though they’ll take time.
Was having the developmental edit done worth the $2300? Hell ya. Continuing my metaphor from my last post, Helen read my manuscript at a level I could not get to, no matter how many times I reread the book, or how many beta readers gave me their opinions. Professionals next year will be judging whether they can sell this book. Now I’ve had one pro honestly assess what’s working, and what needs further tinkering.
Looking to revision 7, I find that plenty comforting.